Off the top of my head I can think of more than a few moms who are so much more deserving of purple and gold Supermom capes than I am. Moms with a great deal more heaped on their mom plates than the two scoops of sweet and delicious I've been served. And truthfully, these two little puddins usually are the icing on my cake, but like all of the most rewarding endeavors in life mothering two under two is anything but easy. Even as I write this post I hold a sleeping babe in one arm and type with my other free hand.
A few weeks of restless nights and foiled naps have caught up with Milani leaving her emotions simmering just under the surface, poised to erupt at the slightest offense. Coupled with her adjustment to the arrival of little Berkley, her exhaustion has led my typically sweet and loving big sister toward a string of emotional meltdowns. Things usually boil over close to nap time when she tries to climb on my lap while I nurse Berkley, and as I gently remind her that she's much bigger than her baby sister and will hurt her if she climbs on top of her, Milani unravels. She unleashes her wail/scream/cry as big wet tears spill from her chocolate eyes. It devastates me to watch her take one look at her sister then squeeze her eyes shut and shake her head as if she can make Berkley disappear like a bad dream. I know that she's just looking for the undivided attention and love from me that she's known for most of her life, and that her acclimation to her new sister is slow and uncomfortable, like a growing pain, but I can't erase it and she can't go back to life without Berkley. I can only hope that her uncertainty and frustration will evolve into a steadfast love for her sister.
On the flip side, there are so many times during my day when Berkley will decide to wake up from a nap hungry and crying right when I'm in the middle of getting Milani lunch or changing a diaper. Letting my babies cry it out isn't something that resonates with my maternal instinct, but by default my little Berkley is left waiting for my attention in a fit of tears much more often than Milani ever was. I desperately hope that this little babe will feel as loved and cared for as her sister did as a newborn.
In moments like these I sometimes notice my mindset slipping into the treacherous terrain where "It will be easier when..." and "I can't wait until..." start trying to convince me that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
Maybe it will be easier when Milani is potty trained, or when Berkley is walking, but more likely we will just be facing new and different obstacles. That thought pattern is nothing but a thief in the night robbing me of being present and connected with this moment, right now. Whether joyful or unpleasant, every moment I spend with my two precious souls is a treasure and this time is fleeting. Even though it might be hard to recognize when I'm changing my fifteenth diaper, or cleaning up the sixth spill of the day, I know that in the not so distant future my heart will ache for this time, for the feeling of a limp newborn warm in my arms as she nurses and naps, for the way my Milani astonishes me with the pace at which she learns new things, for the sound of a tiny voice calling out "mom... mama... mommy!!" a dozen times a day. Oh how I want to savor every single detail of life with my littles, because this precious time is fleeting.
With all the trials and frustrations, my two-under-two scales are tipped heavily in favor of "moments that make my heart swoon."
Like...
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...watching Milani love her "big brother", Moses, whom she looks up to and adores.
So much so that she plays what we call Puppy Milani where she crawls around on all fours with her tongue dangling out, picks things up with her mouth and barks. I found all of this pretty cute until I turned around one afternoon to find her with her face in Moses' water bowl lapping up the water, and I almost threw up. Now, when I see Puppy Milani come around, I waste no time putting out a little bowl of clean puppy water.
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...seeing the way these girls light him up.
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...random pics of my littlest that have no narration or back story. They're just too sweet not to share.
A few weeks of restless nights and foiled naps have caught up with Milani leaving her emotions simmering just under the surface, poised to erupt at the slightest offense. Coupled with her adjustment to the arrival of little Berkley, her exhaustion has led my typically sweet and loving big sister toward a string of emotional meltdowns. Things usually boil over close to nap time when she tries to climb on my lap while I nurse Berkley, and as I gently remind her that she's much bigger than her baby sister and will hurt her if she climbs on top of her, Milani unravels. She unleashes her wail/scream/cry as big wet tears spill from her chocolate eyes. It devastates me to watch her take one look at her sister then squeeze her eyes shut and shake her head as if she can make Berkley disappear like a bad dream. I know that she's just looking for the undivided attention and love from me that she's known for most of her life, and that her acclimation to her new sister is slow and uncomfortable, like a growing pain, but I can't erase it and she can't go back to life without Berkley. I can only hope that her uncertainty and frustration will evolve into a steadfast love for her sister.
On the flip side, there are so many times during my day when Berkley will decide to wake up from a nap hungry and crying right when I'm in the middle of getting Milani lunch or changing a diaper. Letting my babies cry it out isn't something that resonates with my maternal instinct, but by default my little Berkley is left waiting for my attention in a fit of tears much more often than Milani ever was. I desperately hope that this little babe will feel as loved and cared for as her sister did as a newborn.
In moments like these I sometimes notice my mindset slipping into the treacherous terrain where "It will be easier when..." and "I can't wait until..." start trying to convince me that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence.
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| more teenie baby feet |
Maybe it will be easier when Milani is potty trained, or when Berkley is walking, but more likely we will just be facing new and different obstacles. That thought pattern is nothing but a thief in the night robbing me of being present and connected with this moment, right now. Whether joyful or unpleasant, every moment I spend with my two precious souls is a treasure and this time is fleeting. Even though it might be hard to recognize when I'm changing my fifteenth diaper, or cleaning up the sixth spill of the day, I know that in the not so distant future my heart will ache for this time, for the feeling of a limp newborn warm in my arms as she nurses and naps, for the way my Milani astonishes me with the pace at which she learns new things, for the sound of a tiny voice calling out "mom... mama... mommy!!" a dozen times a day. Oh how I want to savor every single detail of life with my littles, because this precious time is fleeting.
With all the trials and frustrations, my two-under-two scales are tipped heavily in favor of "moments that make my heart swoon."
Like...
**********************************************************************************
...watching Milani love her "big brother", Moses, whom she looks up to and adores.
So much so that she plays what we call Puppy Milani where she crawls around on all fours with her tongue dangling out, picks things up with her mouth and barks. I found all of this pretty cute until I turned around one afternoon to find her with her face in Moses' water bowl lapping up the water, and I almost threw up. Now, when I see Puppy Milani come around, I waste no time putting out a little bowl of clean puppy water.
***********************************************************************************
...seeing the way these girls light him up.
I think that every guy to some extent hopes someday to have a son, someone to carry on his name, someone to take to the driving range, a little fella to inherit the wealth of "guy knowledge" accumulated over a lifetime. But Jon is an amazing father to these little sweeties. He is absolutely wrapped tightly around their tiny little fingers, and they are most definitely the skip in his step.
And beyond him being the best father I could imagine, if there is any truth to the idea that girls seek out significant others with character traits similar to their fathers, these two little ladies are on the right track. I can't imagine anyone more capable of modeling the qualities of a great husband and father. Maybe someday Jon will get a son, but I'm certain he won't do these two sweeties wrong.
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...Milani's flair for fashion. I really think that she may have a thing for fashion, and will be a trend setter with her ability to make mismatched and unconventional look effortless.
Lately she's been rocking tons of original head gear. She will sport anything; an empty Manning's ice cream container, my makeup bag, or any one of her many many hats. She's been putting on Berkley's newborn baby hats which look, on her big head, like a cross between a yamaka and a beanie.
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| wearing baby onesie |
And I think Lulu can really pull off the hat look. I might need to grab a cute little knit messenger hat, because sister would rock it!
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...taking "One Month" pics of my little Berkley in this hat.
And of course Milani couldn't pass up the opportunity to rock a photo shoot in a hat!
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...snow days!
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...watching Milani unleash her creativity
First and foremost I hope Milani is happy in her life, but right behind that I hope that she always finds joy in creativity. She's been doing a lot of artwork lately, between our Play-Doh sessions, her coloring books, and her newest artistic medium - the paints.
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| "mom, here, you paint" |
I am so inspired watching her swoop and dab with her paintbrush, letting whim direct her art, and thoroughly enjoying the act of creating.
She teaches me the importance of letting go of perfectionism, and not stressing over the outcome, because like so many aspects of life, the substance and beauty are in the process not the product. She is leading me by example to rediscover my own joy in creativity.
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...afternoons kicking it with family.
Where Milani's passion for paints was ignited.
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| squishy lips |
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...random pics of my littlest that have no narration or back story. They're just too sweet not to share.
Can I get an Amen?